So You Think You Can Scam?

I’ve always assumed that politicians are, to put it nicely, soul-sucking leeches. Of course, by this I mean no offense to actual leeches. I’m not alone – ever since the birth of the first political system in Greece (93% of which is currently owned by Sharad Pawar), people have placed politicians on the top end of the Scumbag Scale, followed closely by telemarketers and people who call you ‘Dear’.
But now, in 2011, even cynics like me are marvelling at the likes of Kalmadi, Chavan, Raja and co., who’ve exhibited a brazenness otherwise seen only at wet T-shirt contests (try getting that image out of your head).
An analysis of the various scams will take a while, but I have beer to drink, so here’s a quick look at some of my favourite happenings from Scamfest 2010/2011:
1. Reports claim that the now-empty Games village flats are set to be handed over to the same officials who scammed the nation while building them. Legal experts agree that this is like handing over Shiney Ahuja’s bai back to Shiney Ahuja.
2. Manish Tewari, after having extricated his face from his bottom, denies the misappropriation of the flats. It seems India is not the kind of country that goes around providing free, comfy housing to criminals (unless their name is Kasab)
3. Soon after, Open Magazine reveals that a top journalist (herein referred to as Darkha Butt for the purposes of media silence) was in constant touch with lobbyist Nira Radia, spending hours discussing important matters such as Karunanidhi’s uncanny resemblance to Ray Charles, and where to get the best ‘Middle-Aged Justin Bieber’ haircut.
4. Darkha Butt bides her time, finally inviting the editor of Open, Manu Joseph, into her TV studio for an unedited debate. Manu agrees, only to find himself being whipped by Darkha’s jockstrap on national television.
5. Meanwhile, the UPA is under pressure to act on all the scam-accused. Since this is about 98.7% of their workforce (the rest were on holiday) they have no choice but to try and distract the Opposition. Limited success is achieved with a Rahul Gandhi wardrobe malfunction.
6. The Opposition, appalled at the prospect of actually having to work, decides to press for a joint probe into the telecom scam. The Centre refuses, claiming that there are bigger issues plaguing the telecom sector, such as that fugly new Airtel logo. (A phone tap reveals its origins: The Vodafone logo had sex with the Videocon logo, and the resultant mess on the floor became the new Airtel logo.)
7. Amidst all this chaos, the UPA also has to be a gracious host to Wen Jiabao. Bored reporters play a cruel joke on the Chinese Premier by asking him to watch the back to back episodes of "amul masterchef india"and Navjot singh sidhu's orgasam inducing commentary(pun intended)
8. The CBI kicks into raid-mode, hitting more than 34 offices and residences of the 2G scam-accused. It turns out that all these properties belong to Ashok Chavan. Manmohan Singh’s head explodes.
9. In keeping with its tradition of not giving a damn, the Congress changes its symbol from an open hand to a middle finger.
This pretty much sums it up at the time of writing. Maybe things will change if Manmohan Singh mans up. Darkha should be able to help him out with that.

Idiots Killed the TV Star

Every generation grows up with a defining image; one that stays etched in its collective memory long after the generation itself has gone senile and joined the BJP. For example, people in the ’70s grew up with ‘free love’, believing that the key to world peace lay in unshaven female armpits and – OHMYGOD I’M RIDING A GIANT UNICORN! WHEEEEE!!!
Of course, the psychedelics wore off at some point in the ‘80s, but it was too late – 80s fashion had already been created. While women walked around sporting huge plastic earrings that men were trained to jump through, my ‘90s generation was shedding its diapers and becoming aware of the phenomenon that would shape its world for a long, long time. I’m talking about paradigm shifts in the erstwhile neo-socialist Indian economy.
OK no, I’m talking about TV.
The ’90s were a simple, yet glorious time for Indian TV, because Ekta Kapoor was still in school, giving English teachers a stroke with her kkkspelllinggg. As a result, people on TV did not look as if a jewellery store had thrown up on them, and cameras were not operated by epileptic monkeys.
But modern TV raises a lot of questions. For example, why has law been outsourced to Rakhi Sawant’s bosom? Who pissed in the gene pool that Raja Chaudhary crawled out of? And most importantly, what is a Dolly Bindra and why is it stomping across my TV screen?
Things were better in the ’90s. With fiction programming that included Circus, Fauji and Byomkesh Bakshi, it was clear that the TV industry could produce quality content that, unlike today, was not about some underage bride getting married to a Thakur, who also had a half-brother married to two women, one fair and one dark, both of whom were having an affair with the midget woman next door, who also happened to be a manglik, thus causing their ‘Baa’ (Gujarati for ‘old women who look like sheep’) to die and be reincarnated as Pamela’s implants.
Even Mandira Bedi – a woman who thinks ‘leg slip’ is some kind of lingerie – managed to appear normal back then with the critically-acclaimed Shanti (which I would’ve watched if they had incorporated ninja turtles into the story)
Then there was Sea Hawks, Surabhi, Malgudi Days – shows that, if you were to try and pitch to a channel head today, would result in him rolling up your script and using it to do blow off a sponsor’s arsecrack.
Remember, all these shows aired on just two DD channels (which, today, are the TV equivalent of a Chilean mine.) And now, with 100+ channels, there’s no room for fresh ideas, thanks to “market research”, which is a technical way of saying that a watchman sitting outside the gates of K.j. Somaiya institute of management and research studies in  Ghatkoper will not like them.
It’s scary that kids today will grow up and nostalgize about present TV shows. They’ll talk about the good ol’ days, when an ‘undercover agent’ seduced a guy, then had a sex-change and seduced his girlfriend, or about how Arnab Goswami created history by sitting silent for thirty seconds.
I, on the other hand, will be the incontinent geezer at the retirement home, harping on about DuckTales and Talespin, until somebody shuts me up, or better yet, gives me a BJP ticket.

Love thy neighbours. Send them home.

This is it. The Final Four. India, Pakistan and two other teams that could be Togo and Burkina Faso for all I care. Because nothing else matters until we beat Pakistan. You know a match is important when even Manmohan Singh decides to attend, taking time off from duties that include being walloped by Ms. Swaraj (currently known as the Raghu Ram of Parliament)
The PM has also invited Zardari and Gilani for the match. That’s nice – it’s always good to see Pakistanis enter the country legally.
Meanwhile, employees across India have already started working on their excuses (“The dog ate my grandmother.”) Even the BJP has planned a spur-of-the-moment walkout for Wednesday, with the Congress guys also hoping to sneak out using Gadkari for cover.
I wonder if the English had anticipated the extent to which the rivalry would build up back when they created Pakistan. I imagine it was a complex, gut-wrenching decision, involving heated debates on politics, religion and morality.
Mountbatten: OK, so if we divide the nation, it will lead to an immediate bloodbath, followed by decades of turmoil and strife…
Aide: Yes. But the cricket will be awesome.
Mountbatten: Chal done!
And now, a quick recap of the World Cup’s most memorable moments. Here they are, in no particular order:
1. The opening ceremony, starring Bryan Adams, is arguably the largest sporting event held in Bangladesh since their Taslima Nasreen Hunting Tournament a few years ago. (Fun Fact: Bangladesh was formed in 1971, which means Bryan Adams is actually older than the country he performed in)
2. Sehwag publicly chides Sreesanth for his poor bowling against Bangladesh. He forgets that it’s unwise to piss off the guy in charge of your drinking water.
3. Ads get more ridiculous, with Dilshan being forced to flick a pallu at the behest of Anjala Zaveri, an actress so obscure that if you search for her online, Google asks you to stop and think about what your life has been reduced to. Meanwhile, another ad gets downright smug as it challenges a country of brown men to “make it large”.
4. The West Indians skittle out Bangladesh for 58. Later, the West Indian bus is stoned by irate Bangladeshi fans, who mistake it for their own team bus. These IQ levels indicate that Bangladesh would be a great market for Sajid Khan films.
5. Ireland’s Kevin O’Brien stars in their whirlwind victory over England in Bangalore, scoring the fastest century in the history of the World Cup. O’Brien admits that he just wanted to wrap the game up quick so that he could reach the pub before 11.30 p.m.
6. During a group match, the Pakistanis gang up to sledge Canadian Balaji Rao. He responds with choice abuses in the native language of Canada – Punjabi.
7. India meets Australia in an epic quarter-final. Ashwin does well with the new ball, Sachin crosses the 18000-run mark, Gambhir tries to get run out and succeeds, Raina shines, Kohli flies, Brett Lee bleeds, Ponting slumps and Yuvraj smashes the winning boundary. I’m trying to type a punchline here, but my fanboy erection keeps getting in the way.
Three days.
Three days to go for one of the most awaited contests of this decade. Three days to go before Rameez Raja wets himself every time a Pakistani player does something extraordinary, such as inhale. Three days to go before otherwise cultured Indians and Pakistanis start exchanging pleasantries about female relatives. In the spirit of cricket, all I’d like to say is that may the best team win – as long as it’s Indian.

Saurav Ganguly's eBay listing

Disclaimer: I'm a big fan of Saurav Ganguly. For me, like many others he has been the best captain Indian cricket has ever seen. However, like many other situations I guess the only option we have is to find humor in a tragedy. IPL 4's auction - where he didn't get sold, was one such occasion. Thus, in the spirit of auctioning, I invite you to place your bids for Saurav Ganguly on eBay.

SOCIAL MEDIA TRENDS IN 2011

Shahid Kapoor will finally spell a sentence on Twitter correctly

Men will finally realise that actual hot women have a life, don’t use the internet and cannot be found on social networks. They will continue asking for friendship anyway because importing inflatable dolls is too expensive.

Twitter users will finally realise that number of followers does not equal respect. This will be proved when less than 10 people watch Uday Chopra’s latest release despite him having 1 over lakh followers.

Facebook users will realise that it’s not cool to “Like” a status message about someone’s death.

Lalit Modi will use Youtube to give post-match analysis on every IPL game. He will then get punched by Navjot Sidhu for stealing his job.

Saffola will tie up with Facebook and have their logo next to every status update or comment stating “OMIGOD! I heart you!”

The Ministry of Health will ban 4Square after mistaking the service for a popular cigarette brand.

Facebook’s chat feature will be shut after people across the world realise their friend lists are full of people they don’t like talking to anyway.

Rajnikant and Kalmadi jokes will get a new lease of life as more and more middle-class Indians join Orkut and copy paste their SMS’s.

Mumbai citizens will discover that a MySpace account is the only space they can afford.

Cash or Credit will replace A/S/L.

Blogging in India will die a swift death after people realise that Amitabh Bachchan’s blog was actually being written by an out of work Jugal Hansraj.

FUCK IT!!! I'm going out. It's too expensive to stay home and watch TV.

I quit. No more entertainment for me. I can’t afford it. During every commercial break of every single cricket match, I am reminded that someone (usually Shah Rukh Khan) has a better TV than I do and is thus enjoying the match more than I am. Unless the Kolkata Knight Riders are playing.

The problem is this. Advertising insists that all entertainment these days is designed to be viewed on devices that are at least six generations ahead of whatever TV you currently own. And I can’t afford it anymore. Thanks to the arms-race that is entertainment technology, I’m broke. My bank account currently cries itself to sleep at night. Even the Lehmann Brothers account won’t hang out with it.

I am also reminded that I need a DTH cable connection, because with one of those little boxes, I could get CD quality sound and DVD quality picture-clarity. And if I throw in my other kidney too, they’ll give me a box that will even let me pause that seventh rerun of Friends so I can appreciate just how fat Matthew Perry really got. Except nobody in those ads has a TV like yours, which still occupies as much space as your car (you drive an SUV). No, people in those ads, they have flatscreen TVs, with tummies stretched so taut they make Shilpa Shetty cry. TVs that are “Full HD” and are clearer than anything else in the universe, including Hubble. And by some miracle of science (known to most as “Photoshop”), these TVs use absolutely no wires, and just levitate near the wall. And they have about fifteen speakers, and if you buy one, ever so often, Lady Gaga leaps out of the screen and actually sings at your house.
And so, because I am male, I march over to the shop to see how much one of those TV’s costs. The answer to this question is usually “More than I can afford.” Five minutes later, I leave with something twice as big. The salesman has used words like “HDMI”, and “1080p”, which, mind you, is “not the same as 1080i which is 0.0087 per cent more blurry than 1080p, and what? 720p? Ha! Sir we don’t sell those anymore! The antique store is around the corner!”
When the fog clears, I’m at home, saddled with a giant TV that looks like it’s shedding wires. And to use “HDMI” and get “1080p”, I need six other kinds of wire. Except my set-top box doesn’t use those wires, so everything looks just as rubbish as before. Even Shah Rukh Khan. And now I’ve realized that I don’t really know what the hell an “HDMI” is.
So, now I’ve got the best TV in the world (at least it was, until six minutes before I bought it) and no way of showing off its best-ness. To do this, I must buy a Blu-Ray player. No, not DVD. Blu-Ray. DVD is for losers. I can get DVD quality clarity from my little Shah Rukh Khan box, remember? I must get a Blu-Ray player. Which, what a coincidence, happens to be a Playstation.
And now, I must connect my computer to my TV as well, just because the manual says I can. In my experience, there is no real practical use for this. But, let’s not lose sight of what’s important here… it’s COOL! And now there are so many wires coming out of my TV that it looks like it has dreadlocks. And I am currently looking at this column on two screens, which is giving me a giant headache. But it is the coolest headache I have ever had.
In fact, I bet Shah Rukh Khan’s NEVER had a headache this cool.

Things Obama will never say or tweet in India

Greetings India! I'm mid-way to your exotic country! I'll tweet again as soon as we're done de-activating this bomb in the cargo bay.

 

This is to inform everyone that the bomb in the cargo bay has been de-activated. I'm now watching Lagaan to prepare. See you in 3 hours.

 

I've finally landed in Mumbai folks. Let's begin :)

 

Doors
To my plane hav been open now....f**k wats dat shit smell

 

 

 

First things first - it's lovely to be in Mumbai. It reminds me of New Orleans post huricane Katrina

 

Saw Mukesh Ambani's Antilla while we were landing. Now THAT's a building I wouldn't mind a plane crashing into. #uglyasfuck

 

Who the fuck is Ashok something guy he just freakin offered me a flat in some Adarsh society

 

Michelle is now the tallest man in India.

 

Just got off the phone with a young lady from some HDFC. Have secured major loans to sail over the recession. The trip is already win.

 

Spent a lot of time researching about India on Rediff comments, and am disappointed no one has offered me cow urine so far.

 

So I told Zardari, India is like 50 Cent. You can bust a cap in its ass 9 times, but it'll still land up a successful billionaire.

 

Unforunately the only 50 Cent reference Zardari got was Get Rich or Die Tryin'

 

I'm not running for a second term if I've to deal with this Rahul chap.

 

Message to Sikh brothers - Hard for me to give you visas is you put your income in quintals

 

That American companies are at the forefront of cutting-edge innovation is proved by the McAloo Tikki burger.

 

Who is this Vivek Oberoi fellow and why does he keep asking for passes for my dinner with Manmohan Singh?

 

Saw a preview of Maurya Sheraton's Obama tandoori platter. Every kebab was completely charred black. Very funny assholes.

 

There's no way I'm giving you guys access to David Headley. I saw what your cops did with Jamaal in Slumdog Millionaire.

 

Kashmir is sort of like Detroit. Except Canada doesn't want it.

 

Overweight American kids can take heart in the successes of their Indian peers like Sania Mirza.

 

Good afternoon India or as Clinton fondly calls curry land fondly I say no puns intended sorry I cud not tweet more frequently yesterday

 

Went to a school in mum did a little dancing Michelle tells me my dancing resembled a hybrid of drunkard and a piles patient w.t.f. Luved it

 

Now tweeting from airforce one on my way to rape capital oops sorry national capital Delhi will tweet more

 

Ok now gonna shortly land in Delhi my pilot send me a gentle reminder by switching from sports channel to a rape scene

 

This is the president speaking I hav arrived in Delhi behold !!!!!!!!

 

 

Ohhh gr8 my bro manmohan is here luv him he luks likka overdressed Santa

 

 

Wave properly manmohan don't wave like somebody just uprooted ur armpit hairs

 

hello indians dis is the president obama speaking those kids at st xaviers hav screwed my head bigtime had i known bout those kids i wud hav had send the predator drones to st xaviers instead of waziristan and pakistan

 

Evening Indians dis is president obama speaking manmohan my homoerotic gave me the token "I don't want my boobs to touch u " hug now dinner

 

good evening indians dis is president obama speaking m having dinner at mms's house while watching materchef india i m sure his cook has got recipes from der only

 

dis is president Obama speaking onway to official parade damn dat rumali roti from last nite dinner is sticking in my guts hope not to fart

 

Dis is president Obama speaking m on my way to address a joint Session in Indian parliament or as those italians call it cattle house

 

 

Dis is president Obama speaking off to buffet with my homie manmohan cya later in parliament luking forward to meeting gr8 leader laluji

 

Dis is president Obama speaking my secretary tells me lalu is a gr8 man he has pubic hairs growing on his earlobes awesome wanna meet him

 

 

Dis is president Obama speaking just met ur gr8 leader mamata banerjee cud not understand her accent though I think she is Scottish

 

 

Dis is president Obama speaking met lalu he has indeed got pubic hairs growing on his ears . I think he shud b on ripley's believe it or not

 

Dis is president Obama speaking no Mullayam Singh Yadav sorry I cannot grant India unsc seat thru O.B.C. quota

 

Dis is president Obama here gotta SMS from some raj thackrey he is pissed cuz I said jai hind & not jai hind jai maharastra to end my speech

 

Dis is president Obama speaking from dinner at rashtrapati bhavan I m pissed though as I did not get to meet Bill Clinton's crush Mayawati

 

dis is president obama speaking gr8 news India & USA shall now fight afganistan war jointly under the leadership of India's gr8est investigator man with the constipated face, laxatives south asia brand ambassador the one and only ACP Pradyuman he will b assisted in dis enormous task by Daya,abhishek & agent freddy god...willing dey will soon own Osama's ass

 

 

dis is president obama speaking after a long briefing with ACP pradyuman we shall shortly launch operation:-"DAYA DARWAZA TOD DO" in Afganistan

 

dis is president obama speaking for one final time b4 leaving India,its has been a wonderful experience i thank india forall the garlic naan.shammi kebabs and tangadi kebabs and fish tikkas and 55k jobs u gave my dumbass yankee fucks......godbless india pakkis r terrorists and China SUCKS!!!!! ..... INDIA ROCKS nigga will b back in 2012 again ....peace out homies