Bite Me.

God knows I’m an animal lover. In fact, I’ve driven in peak hour Mumbai traffic just to be able to have Nando’s exquisite Grilled Chicken in Peri Peri sauce on the first day they opened. Sometimes I even eat at KFC only to come home and lick my fingers in front of Maneka Gandhi’s screensaver. Just to spite the bitch. And don’t even get me started on my love for steak. My love for cows was the only reason I wasn’t allowed to become a member of the BJP. Bloody hypocrites.

Lately however, 13 mutated rabbits that have taken complete control over my residential colony’s bylanes are testing my love for animals. They look like street dogs, but really, they’re rabbits. It is biologically impossible to procreate so quickly if they weren’t. One of them even gave birth to a baby without an eye. I call him “The chronicle of Riddick”. So anyway, this group of rabbits has taken the colony by siege worse than the 26/11 attackers of the Taj Hotel in Mumbai. You can’t go out because the minute you open your door, they hit you worse than a gassy fart in the Delhi Metro compartment. Effectively, you’re locked indoors after 7 PM (unless you wear Sanjay Dutt’s costume from the Youngistaan ads) and it’s impossible to go to sleep at night because they all like to clusterfuck to a soundtrack of the  Ram Temple bhajan’s and the neighbourhood mosque’s call for prayers. Then at sunrise, they perform their daily takedown of a senior citizen and lap up his milk besides using the newspaper wallahs rolls as chew toys. In short, Afghanistan has nothing on us.

Now, in a country that doesn’t have time for humans, it’s hardly surprising that the Municipal Corporation would refuse to pick up and sterilise the 262,740 strays roaming our streets and say “Humein Paap Lagega” on being requested to kill them. In addition, Maneka’s foot soldiers are overburdened, underpaid and can only take care of a certain number. Thus, to avoid such exclusion, I have come up with a list of solutions for the Maharashtra govt. to implement before the cricket world cup in 2011.

Ship them to North Korea: This is perhaps the best way to fulfil not just our social responsibility towards fellow humans but also to fill up our dwindling foreign exchange coffers. Exporting cheaply priced dog-meat would provide many North Koreans with the nourishment they deserve, make us friends with Kim Jong Il after that whole AQ Khan nuclear smuggling debacle while getting us more money to  employ 7 year olds to build our city’s pavements. Did I hear a win-win?

Cambodia perhaps? : Millions of children lose their limbs everyday to unexploded mines that were laid over 3 decades of war by the Khmer Rouge, the Vietnamese etc. Instead of playing Minesweeper on our computers everyday, why don’t we ship some strays to the Cambodian government so they can clear the fields with them? Lives will be saved and Humans rights activists can fight with animal rights activists till kingdom come. Besides, I would imagine it a much more honourable death as compared to starving in a trashcan or being knocked over by a drunk driver.

Send them to the Chinese border and start a rumour about their body parts being excellent aphrodisiacs: Not only will the Chinese army waste some bullets on our dogs instead of our jawans; we might even be able to create a false demand-supply gap and convince them to give us parts of Arunachal back in return. Trade deficit FTW!

Declare it our national animal: As I have stated in one of my previous posts, the quickest way to destroy something in our country is to give it a national adage. (Sport, animal, museum, bird, flower whatever) As soon as we do this, people will stop hunting the Tiger, Mahendra Singh Dhoni and the guys at Aircel will sleep easy, and poachers will put their attention to strays. Though given their large number, there is a risk that their value might reduce – sort of like pussy at an Eastern European nightclub.

Get Dharmendra out of retirement: As much as I love Sunny Deol’s dancing (and I’m totally gay for Abhay Deol) we need to get Dharmendra out of retirement to help us on this one. However, it would still be a half-assed solution given that he only drinks kutton ka khoon. Kuttiyon ka piya hota, to Hema Malini zinda na hoti. Bitch.

Start some cause related marketing for Hollywood stars: We need to hire the agency that shot the Incredible India! Campaign and put them on strays. If Angelina and company can have a spectrum of babies, I’m sure pets should not be a problem. Our dogs will get a better; more multi-cultural environment and it will the biggest break for an Indian dog in the United States since Anil Kapoor in 24. Maybe Paris Hilton needs a replacement for her Chihuahua. Who knows.

Enact a “You feed it, you keep it” law: And finally, there needs to be a law that requires people who feed stray dogs to keep them in their own houses. If you want to feed the dog, fine. But if it poops your food out in front of my gate, you can best be sure that I am bagging my own poop in a plastic bag and dumping it in front of yours the next morning. Let’s just say I love corn, and it will not be pretty.

P.S. No animals were hurt during the writing of this post. Except a goat. These Burra Kebabs are bloody awesome.